I've been feeling antsy lately. I'm not exactly sure why, but it could be one of many reasons. Or it could be several little things. I'm sure turning 40 and taking stock of where I am and where I wanted to be play a part. This seems to be a common thing among my friends of this age, but I wonder if I am more aware because of current circumstances. I've spent the last 10 plus years dealing with a chronic illness that is slowly breaking me down. I've also spent many years experimenting with drugs, and not the recreational kind. That has had as much of an effect on me as the illness.
I have been on so many medication regimens over the years that I've lost count. None have done what the doctors wanted and just made me more miserable. Right now I am down to two medications and I'm trying to work on getting off of those. A month ago I weaned off of two meds that may have been helping slightly, but the side effects weren't worth any benefit. A month on, I'm finally free of the horrible withdrawal symptoms I was suffering. Oh yeah and my doctor said there wouldn't be any. I love her to death, but sometimes she can be wrong. Also I have finally stopped eating like there was no tomorrow. I intellectually understand how medicine is supposed to make me feel better, but if they make me gain an enormous amount of weight, isn't that not good? Well I actually feel better now, but face the long road of trying to get this weight off. Unfortunately I've been through this before with meds and I'm determined not to go through this again.
My mind is finally clear for the first time in years. It is really hard to explain what has been going on. I am starting to feel like I am taking more of an active role in dealing with my illness and exploring more natural treatments. I'm sure it won't be easy and maybe I won't get better, but I'm willing to try even if nothing works. You see I feel like Meniere's has taken over my life for a reason. I may actually be open to finding out the reason instead of trying to pretend to be normal so the people around me don't have to face uncomfortable truths. I tiptoe around not wanting to upset people, but honestly this is what I deal with. I have been blessed though with some incredible friends and family who are there to support me and I can't thank them enough. The way I look at it now is I may not get better, but I'm going to do my best to feel better.